The Life of Horatio Zanbugglejones

Back in Brooklyn in 2 days. And honestly, I'm scared.

I would give you everything
For just the smile you bring
For just the song to sing
I would give you everything
For just that smile you bring
For just that song to sing I sing now

I got a job, finally. And actually one that I want. I'm working in the international division at E! Entertainment. Once again, just before I was ready to go back to NY, fate steps in and I'm able to stay out here.

Which is good, because I'm learning that I really had nothing waiting for me back in NY, despite what I thought.

If only people could be honest. Perhaps this is karma, either way, I'm done with it.

2:42 am on a Friday night/Saturday morning.

Interview on wednesday. Don't want to say how it went, don't want to jinx it.
An interview scheduled for this monday to work at E! entertainment international division. We'll see where that goes.
I have been cast in an independent feature film as an undercover agent in the 1980's.

Who knows where life is going from here.

Also Ryan Reynolds is going to be Green Lantern. How about that...

I don't know when I last posted. Don't really care either. But here's an early morning, 2:30am update.
Still looking for work. I'm currently working on a short film as a Grip/Best Boy/PA and other hats. I'm not getting paid but I'm getting more credits and its going to look good on a resume.
I've been in a crazy 90's alternarock kick recently. If you know me, you know my love for punk, ska, 80's hair and new wave. But listening to all this 90's music (Dishwalla, Better Than Ezra, Third Eye Blind, etc.) has been making me feel good. I feel the music symbolizes a faux-innocence that doesn't exist anymore. (Although, being "faux" means it didn't really exist in the first place) But its just a general feeling; the thought that life isn't really as hard and tough as we see it (as it is). I don't know, it just puts me in a good relaxed mood. 
I got headshots recently and joined an extra/background talent agency. I want to do some extra work and if I get some speaking roles, thats about 600-650 a day until I go SAG, then it jumps to 775$ a day for speaking. I loved acting in college and I really hope that I get some work out of this, cause God knows I need moneys.


I have this strange balance in my head; I don't really think my life is good right now, there are many things I want, places I want to be, person I want to be with. I shouldn't be happy. But I'm not sad. Not like I used to feel. I feel like I should be depressed, lonely, sad. But I don't feel that way now. Maybe I'm growing up, maybe I just don't care about things, maybe its the 90's music. I don't know. I'm confused. But I'm not running from it. I'm embracing it, trying to figure out where I'm going and what to do. I should be scared but I'm not. I should cry but I don't. Good? Maybe. 


Sittin around the house
Watching the sun trace shadows on the floor
Searching for signs of life but there's nobody home
Well, maybe I'll call or I'll write you a letter
Now maybe we'll see on the fourth of July
But I'm not too sure and I'm not too proud
Well, I'm not too sure and I'm not too proud to say

It was good livin with you...

Nothing's working, nothing's right. I'm lost.

What's wrong with me? what did i do? I don't understand.

Heading out tonight to the TV Land Awards, hosted by none other than Neil Patrick Harris, or NPH to those who love him. We got a table through BU alum and hearing from people who have gone in the past, you do actually get to converse and talk with the people from the shows. Cast of Married with Children, Magnum P.I., M.A.S.H., Knots Landing and a bunch of other shows will be there getting awards.

Spent the last week without a job, not fun. Been sending resume's plenty of places, trying to find my next gig. Saving the money I got from BFF so i still have a bunch socked away. Getting a new separate credit card in a few days and then i just need an apt of my own and im done.

I've been letting alot of things stress me out and mess with my head. No more.

I'm floating. I'm ethereal.



I've become nocternal, but I'm seeing the sun again.



I want a house. I want a job. Stay where the sun shines and the palm trees are candles in the murder wind.



But what I really want, what I really need? It's her. I'll be invisible with her if she wants. Because I'm tired of being invisible on my own.

So alot has changed since I last made a post. But based on how rarely I actually make posts, it's logical that alot has changed since the last one. First off, I don't live in NY anymore. That's sort of a big one. I came out to LA to go to a CBS/BU Alum reception and try to find a job. I was only planning on being here a week and didn't think I would actually get work. Well, surprise surprise I did. For the past 2 weeks I have been working on a reality show as a night PA/ remote camera operator. The experience I'm getting running the cameras will allow me to make alot more money in the future, but its just something I'm doing for now and not where I want to go with my life.
I'm sleeping on jay's couch while I work and save money, its not that bad actually. I work from 7pm to 7am and sleep in the day, jay and his roommate work in the day so I barely see them and its not like I'm really intruding. But I can't stay here forever, so I'm trying to find places to sublet or other people I can move in with. We'll see where that goes.
I'm in the process of making changes in the way I run my life, things that will make me a better person. I've stopped hiding the truth from people (to not hurt their feelings, to keep me out of trouble, because I'm afraid, etc) which definately makes my life alot less stressful. I've spent so much time afraid of being found out for certain things, I forgot what it was like to not always be afraid. I also have severely cut back on my drinking. I chose a couple of days before St. Patricks day to start, so when that day rolled around, I had one Guiness and that was it. I'm doing well with it and now feel stupid for ever drinking to the excess that I used to.
Been trying to rebuild a certain relationship for a while, and it was going very well. But of course, I find ways to screw it up and make things worse, but this time it wasnt me, at least not me in the present tense. Things I did and didn't say in the past have caused problems and hurt people I cared about, so the last couple of days I went about fixing them. I've spoken to people that I needed to, told the truth, explained the other side of the situation, and have gotten the ball rolling on fixing things. And now I'm being ignored and still being thought of as worthless.

I subconciously put on one of my rings backwards the other day. Guess it was too soon to be thinking like that...

I've been chewing so much ice, I think I cracked a tooth.


I'm going back and forth feeling okay one moment
and wanting to disappear the next.


I had a dream where there was a board that listed what I should have done with my life,
most everything was marked "Incomplete".


I have been asked to go to my high school on March 11th to speak for Career Day,
even though I am lacking a career.


I just felt like rambling a little.

I do this alot, I have a long, long entry written out and I delete it because I read it over and realize I'm just being excessive and emo.
Here's the jist:
I hate my life right now.
I feel more alone then I ever have.
My mother is a controlling bitch who believes her world view works for everyone else and must be forced on her 22yr old son. So much so that I have to tip toe around her to keep her from exploding.
I have had people around me for support and love my whole life. While I used to think this made me a caring and loving person, now I think it just made me weak, because now that I've lost most of that, I don't even care about myself.
I can take any good situation and completely fuck it up, guaranteed.
I want to get out of this town.
I just want to be loved again.
I want to be stronger and more independent.
I don't want pity, I want understanding.
I want things to be the way they were.
I want things to be better than that.
I'm not happy, but I want to be.
I started biting my nails again today after 2 weeks of not doing so.
I'm sorry.

Okay, first off I'm going to apologize for what I had here before this. I was sad, yes, I was emo, I'm not in a good place right now so you'll have to forgive the way I was thinking. I took a very long train ride home yesterday and that is how I felt at the time. The thoughts festered until I wrote them down and I did so as a way to free myself from them, to vent how I felt. I did not want to hurt anyone and that is what I did. I hurt someone who means so very much to me, I looked the fool, I looked like a waste, pathetic, just wrong. And I didn't want any of that. What I wrote was the way I felt at the time and if you did not read what I had written here, please do not ask me about it. It was never here, forget it, never bring it up.

What I wrote when I felt bad only ended up making someone else feel bad and me feel worse. I don't want anyone to feel bad, sad, upset, offended, angry, hurt, betrayed, slighted, anything like that. I never want to hurt anyone with what I say or write. I'm sorry. I'm so very very sorry. I know what I even write here means nothing, but I apologize for how I made you feel, it was not my intention. I'll think more before I write anything in the future, I wont let my emo feelings get the better of me. I was callous and uncaring when I did not intend to be. Again, I'm sorry.

I've also opened commenting again if anyone wants to say anything to me.

Being yelled at to update :) I did promise though. So here its is.

Finished my LA program, got to pitch ideas and scripts to a number of writers, producers, agents and managers. A lot of them liked my ideas, i got some cards and emails to send them my finished scripts. One guy (Alan Katz, writer/actor for M.A.S.H. and other stuff) guessed i was an actor first and told me he liked my vampire idea (he worked with Joss Whedon and if he thinks a vampire idea is good, then i think that means its good)

Came back to NY for the holidays, enjoyed LA but needed to get back to the east coast. Didn't miss my mom being a controlling lunatic tho. Glad to be back to hang with the guys, see my bro, just relax at home. But the main reason I'm glad to be back, the one reason that if it wasn't here, I wouldnt want to be here? I get to see Jess again.

Four months in LA away from her was tough, those who I talked to about it, they know how tough it was for me, and for her. But all of that went away when i hugged her. We went up to Boston this weekend. It was a fantastic blur.

Back here in Bklyn now, sending resumes to jobs in LA, NY and Boston. Oh yeah, might be moving to Boston instead.

Full post later. Just letting all know that I'm finishing my clean up of the LA apt and will be catching a flight at 3:15pm back to Bklyn. See you when I see you.

Also, yes, I am actually eating pudding right now. :)

Put your MP3 player on shuffle, write down the first lines of the first 15 songs that come up, and then have people guess which songs they are.

1. Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard, but I think, Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
2. White Riot, I wanna riot, White Riot, a riot of my own.
3. I could bleed, does it make me the same as her? I could show you things, but i feel you have seen it all before
4. Facedown in the gutter won't admit defeat, though his clothes are soiled and black
5. We will always be, we will always be, we will always be together
6. I've got the brains, you're the body and you're in my sights. I've got a new set of problems, how to get you alone tonight
7. Well it's the high anxiety, I'm a victim of society, high anxiety, I'm a victim of society,high anxiety,it's my high anxiety getting to the best of me
8. I'm slippin' away, In every way, I can't stay (and I don't know why) awake, I'm slippin' (and I don't know why) away
9. Call it libertarian, cause we do as we please. Don't need fear, or force or farce to know morality
10. Ms. Babylon your queendom is doomed, across this land you'll spread your no more gloom
11. summer lovin' had me a blast summer lovin' happened so fast met some girl, crazy for me met a guy, cute as can be
12. What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play Life is a cabaret, old chum Come to the cabaret
13. She had lips like stereo, With the bass and treble down. She's got tits like microwaves Burritos that explode.
14. Don't care what you want, cause you'll stab me in the back, I know as soon as I am gone, burnin as you bleed
15. She told me, that that I was lame, with a middle finger in my face, won't waste her time with such a loser

Times are tough, for alot of people. Everyone I talk to seems to be having stress, problems, fear, anger and resentment. Some suffer quietly, some lash out. But everyone is hurting, everyone is being hurt. And it's not just people I'm talking to, it's me. My emotions have been a rollercoaster for quite some time, sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm just okay enough to function. And then there are times (many times) where I want to throw myself in traffic.

But this isn't me trying to morose or crying about how i feel. This is me saying to anyone that reads this that no matter how much it hurts right now, no mater how much you hate yourself or someone else, that life goes on. Things will pass and one day you will smile again. You just might get beaten up on the way. All my life I've tried to be the guy who people can turn to when they feel down or think that there is no point to continue. Now that I'm in that position, i'm trying to find people to turn to. It's hard to take one's own advice, but you must; and you must take mine.

You will be okay. You will be fine. Everything will work out. But you musn't give up, because nothing is given to you, you have to take it, work for it, want it. Yes, even this.

 

( This is for me. (shuffle playlist survey) )

 

I had stuff written down and deleted it. Then deleted the replacement writing. Just ignore this.

I honestly believe for the first time that I wish that Frank Costello taught me how to live my life. Do you think that means anything?


I've been told that I resemble DiCaprio, a few years younger. I'm going to pursure it now. I've had a publicist approach me about my looks, I have some people who can get me some headshots (albeit some pretty medocre shots)  but none the less, maybe this could be the start of something. Maybe i could actually make something off the way I look, maybe I'm not some worthless thing.

Well as of Thursday I have been in Los Angeles for a month. It really has gone very fast. I feel like I just moved in last week, my mind is still thinking that I'm new here and I need to get adjusted to living here but I've been here long enough. And my feelings on this place are very interesting.

Part of me loves it here, the weather is nice, it always sunny, I'm getting a tan just walking around. I've been working at an independent company the past couple of weeks and I might get a job at the media center at E! entertainment. Class is okay, but slow, I think I should focus more on the script I need to write. My roommates are really cool, I may have picked up a new bad habit while here, and I've been hanging with Jay and the guys as much as I can. There are some cool bars around here and some cool people as well. Thats the good side.

Other side? I feel like I'm delaying life and that once I'm done here I'm going to be at a loss of what to do. Do I stay in LA and work or do I move back east? I already feel that I would rather live on the East Coast, but what if I get an opportunity while I'm here?

Another thing? I feel totally forgotten. Say what you want, call me what you will, but it's the truth. I feel that since I've moved out here, people have forgotten/ no longer care about me. It's similar to when I went to college, but I'm not with 3 thousand others in the same situation like in freshman year. i have a few friends out here that I can hang with, but it's not like it was back east. Anyone that knows me, knows that I thrive off of others, I can't stand being alone, I need people to talk to, to be with, to relate to. But since I've been here, I feel more and more like I'm on autopilot. Feel more and more empty.
 
But hey, maybe that's what living in Los Angeles means. Maybe that's what I'm heading towards. I just hope things start to get better soon, I don't know how much longer I can take this.

So here I am, in sunny smogy Los Angeles. There is so much to talk about, I don't have the time or the room in this post.

Everything that is going on back east and with Jess is tough. Double tough. I hate being away from her. so far away. But she's being the smarter one, she keeps reminding me that this whole thing is good for me and that she's proud of me. If she wasn't there to say that and feel that way, I honestly don't think I could be out here.

LA is so different from everything on the east coast. The city is so goddamn big, the weather is nice but i really don't like the smog. The air just has a different feeling. The apartment however is pretty cool, a lot bigger than Boston. And BU set us up with furniture and a bunch of stuff. Also the shower has a rail to hold onto. For future adventures I have in mind when a certain person makes her way out here.
Roommates are cool, one is Zach Drummer who I've worked with on every stage troupe play I ever did.

I have a few internships lined up, one with Sneak Preview entertainment, one with 21 Laps (who just did The Rocker and Night at the Museum) and one more at E! Networks. I might end up as an intern on The Soup or X-Play and just play video games all day.

Hanging out with Jay out here, went to Busby's last night for a breast cancer benefit and to see Fast Times (an awesome 80's cover band with Spicolli on lead vox, Billy Idol on Bass, Slash on Guitar and the guy from the Cure on drums).

I'll keep you all updated on my happenings. Later.


I'd burn up a sun to say goodbye...